Beyond the Norm: Top MTG Headlines

Wizards Confused by Standard Format that is “Liked”

According to recent data collected by Wizards of the Coast (WOTC), 73% of Standard players currently have a positive opinion of the format, up from a previous high over the last three years of 6%.

“We really don’t know how to account for these numbers,” said a source inside R&D. “It’s a major concern. R&D has never had to deal with the challenges of a happy player base before.”

Beginning with Kaladesh, a set that Head Designer Mark Rosewater referred to as the “awesome set,” Magic settled into a rhythm; for those who weren’t around, here’s a rough timeline:

Dumpster-Fire Standard: A Timeline of the Golden Age of My MTG Humor Articles

September 2016: Kaladesh is released. Standard is miserable because of a Temur, Energy-based deck using Aetherworks Marvel to cheat in the pushed Eldrazi Titan, Emrakul.

January 2017: WOTC bans Emrakul, Smuggler’s Copter and About-to-Rotate Terror of 2015, Reflector Mage (?)

January 2017: Aether Revolt is printed, including the card Splinter Twin Felidar Guardian, which they somehow missed was part of a two-card infinite combo. WOTC declares that, while they missed this, it was all cool. “Splinter Twin went so well we swore off ever doing it again, so let’s see how it goes!” said a source from within R&D.

April 2017: Standard is miserable because a Temur, Energy-based deck includes the CopyCat combo to ascertain complete dominance. In the midst of complete dominance. Wizards announces via the B&R announcement that no cards will be banned. “Glorybringer’s really good, guys,” they said. “It’ll crush CopyCat.”

April 2017, Two Days Later: CopyCat decides to just play Glorybringer itself, cementing its already dominating position. WOTC bans Felidar Guardian.

May 2017: Standard is miserable because of a Temur, Energy-based deck using Aetherworks Marvel to cheat in the pushed Eldrazi Titan, Emrakul Ulamog.

June 2017: After being informed that they were not able to rotate Kaladesh early, WOTC bans Aetherworks Marvel. “Everything will be good now,” they say, including in their announcement the Temur, Energy-based deck that would dominate Standard for the next seven months.

July 2017: Standard is miserable because of a Temur, Energy-based deck.

January 2018: WOTC announces to the ~200 people left still playing Standard that Attune with Aether, Rogue Refiner, Ramunap Ruins, and Rampaging Ferocidon are banned.

April 2018: Dominaria is released. Everyone grabs Chainwhirler and ignores the rest of the set so that they can play a RB deck with the all the best Kaladesh cards that still haven’t been banned.

October 2018: Guilds of Ravnica is released and Kaladesh, the “awesome set,” rotates.

Upon the release of Guilds of Ravnica, players were shocked to discover that there were multiple decks viable to play in competitive events.

“I forgot that Plains existed,” said one long-time Temur Kaladesh/RB Aggro player.

In the first few weeks of GRN Standard, multiple judges we interviewed reported confusion at tournaments.

“Every single tournament, I’d be called over,” explained one judge. “Players just didn’t understand why their opponents weren’t playing the same deck they were. It had just been so long since they’d played a non-mirror in Standard.”

It didn’t take long for Magic players to find something else to complain about.

“I just hate that there’s no best deck, you know?” exclaimed one PPTQ grinder on a smoke break right outside the shop so that all the smoke still drifted into the store. “Like, what am I supposed to play this weekend? There are too many choices. I, for one, miss the days when I could pick up RB Aggro and argue for hours about what the last two cards on top of the predetermined 73 were supposed to be. Hell, makes you wish we just had Smuggler’s Copter to fill that space, amirite?”

R&D is anxious to get back to the norm.

“We’re printing artifact lands alongside Affinity in the set after Ravnica Allegiance,” confirmed our source in R&D. “The high GP attendance, player complaints about the format being too difficult, and high expectations are all too much. We do our best work when nobody is playing.”

Only Company that Runs GP’s Claims it is not a Monopoly

ChannelFireball, the sole company responsible for Grand Prix, claimed yesterday that they are not a monopoly.

“We have lots of other vendors show up to the Grand Prix,” explained one executive. “So even though we control the entry fee, event schedule, registration awards, and virtually every other aspect of the tournament, we don’t technically have a monopoly over the whole thing.”

“It’s something we’re looking at fixing,” added another executive. “We’re optimistic that we’ll be able to lock out other vendors from our events by 2020.”

Since CFB took over GP’s earlier this year, players have complained of ballooning costs and plummeting quality.

“I used to pay ten bucks to enter a GP,” said one grizzled veteran playing both sides of an Old School match in a sanctioned tournament between rounds. “Now it’s ninety! What gives? It’s no more expensive to run events now than it was in 1963, when I attended my first GP.”

“They’re also taking away so much from the experience,” chimed a passing 13-year-old eating a lollipop. “When my mom signed me up for GP’s in the past, the playmat was included! Now, she has to pay extra for it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make a living off Magic if my mom keeps taking financial hits like this.”

I decided to check things out for myself by attending GP Milwaukee.

On my way in, I was stopped by security for eating a bag of chips.

“No outside food allowed, I’m afraid,” said the officer.

I threw out my chips, went upstairs to the hall, and purchased a $30 bottle of water to go with the $50 slice of pizza I’d bought.

I was too late to sign up for the main event, so decided to play side events. Luckily, I had my firstborn child with me, so after handing him over to Customer Service, I was able to afford the Limited Fanatic package, which included two rounds of a three-round draft.

After winning both, I got my first 10 Prize Tickets! I sold organs throughout the remainder of the day to afford to keep playing, and I ended with several hundred Prize Tix. Time to reap my reward!

I walked over to the Prize Wall to survey the possibilities. I’d always heard rumors of the wonders of CFB’s selection, and I was not disappointed. The selection was truly remarkable, including: several booster boxes of M19; singles that included powerhouses like Jaya Ballard, Arcades the Strategist, and a foil Turn Three Gigantosaurus; and the corporate equivalent of a garage sale, including an old winter coat, a half-eaten sandwich, a broken ping-pong table, miscut sleeves, and 2018 New England Patriots Super Bowl Champions hats.

“Wow,” I said to the individual taking tickets, “this is a remarkable selection. How do you decide which items to put on the Prize Wall?”

“Oh, anything that we haven’t sold that’s over a year old goes up,” the gentleman explained. “That and sealed product. You can never have too much sealed product!”

Indeed.

On my way out of the venue, I was stopped by what I had thought was a homeless man outside the convention center.

“Would you like to buy some custom tokens?” he asked. After purchasing a Teferi emblem depicting the nascent planeswalker as Disruptive Student throwing a pencil through a teacher’s eye, I asked what this man was doing selling these tokens on the street.

“I’m just trying to acclimate to CFB’s new artist policy,” he explained. “You see, we used to be treated like people at GP’s. We would be paid and whatnot. But with CFB’s new policy, artists aren’t given tables, are required to give half of what we make to CFB, and need to buy lunch for all the CFB execs. We’re also not allowed into the venue unless we pay the entry fee for the main event, which I heard they’re raising to $200 after Warsaw hit max capacity.”

The artist shrugged.

“But hey,” he said. “At least they give you that sweet Mutavault promo if you do.”

PPTQ Grinder Quits Magic after Losing to MTG Arena Player

Local PPTQ grinder Alex Jefferson quit Magic yesterday after discovering that the Top 8 opponent he lost to tested for the event entirely on MTG Arena.

“Can you believe it?” asked Jefferson. “An Arena player. If I can lose to a n00b like that, Magic must just be a horribly designed game. MTG Arena isn’t real Magic, MTGO is way more competitive, and I hate the direction the game is going in.”

“I love the animations,” said Jefferson’s prepubescent opponent, Toby Salisbury. “Every time you bring back Arclight Phoenix, it has an animation with a sweet bird flying across the screen. CAAAAWWWW!”

Salisbury flapped his arms aggressively and ran around a table to demonstrate.

Jefferson shook his head angrily. “I can’t believe we’re legitimizing these clowns,” he said. “The Spikes subreddit is letting Arena people post like they’re competitive, there’s a bunch of players who come to FNM disappointed that there’s not a scorpion running around for them to poke, and Turn Three Gigantosaurus isn’t even that good!

Jefferson threw his deck into the trash and stormed out.

“Free cards!” shouted Salisbury, who flapped his way over to the trash to retrieve Jefferson’s deck.

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.