Beyond the Norm: My Hall of Fame Ballot

Disclaimer: There’s a pretty good (~100%) chance that, given this is satire, none of the information here is true. Most of you don’t need to be told this, but, well… there’s always one.

I’ve decided to add my voice to the choir of pros sharing their HoF ballots, as more voices all singing the same song out of tune is so much more interesting than one person singing out of tune. Some of you might point out that, technically, I don’t actually have a HoF ballot to fill out at all, but can you prove that? Do you actually know what the criteria to get a vote is? What the cryptic link is between popular commentator Cedric Phillips, formerly banned player Fabrizio Anteri, Hearthstone designer Brian Kibler, and renowned luminary of the game, none other than the household name of… Ron Foster?

Whether I fit the mysterious criteria or not, the claim that I have a HoF ballot (thanks to my six Pro Tour Top 8’s, two World Championship appearances, and that one time I came in second at Game Day) likely won’t stand out among the cascade of contradictory and unverified claims made by other pros. Without further ado, let’s sling some mud!

Seth Probably Known Better as Saffron Olive (SPKBASO): A true luminary of the game, I just couldn’t bring myself to vote for Seth. Despite welcoming so many of us to the fish bowl, Seth has simply mispronounced too many Magic cards for me to vote for him. While many Magic players are guilty of abominable pronunciations from time to time (if I have to listen to one more person say KA-lee-tuhs…), Seth takes it too far.

“It’s kuh-LEE-tis, not KA-lee-tuhs.”

Seth Manfield: Seth’s results are really, really good. Perhaps… too good? I’ve seen Seth at a lot of GP’s, and the way he paces back and forth between rounds is just super suspicious. Also, a friend of mine had a friend who talked to someone on Reddit who played Seth once, and apparently Seth dropped one of his cards in the middle of a match. He picked it up, and then just kept on playing like nothing had even happened. The gall! I’m not saying that Seth’s a cheater, but I’m also not saying Seth’s not a cheater. Read between the lines, folks: Seth’s a cheater.

Brad Nelson: Brad is often referred to as the best Standard player in the world. Week after week, Brad just miraculously happens to find the best deck for the weekend. How does he know? How does he predict the metagame so accurately? Well, I have a theory. But it’s not just a theory, because another pro I know also thinks it’s true. Here goes: Brad Nelson uses the fact that he’s “in” with the coolest, raddest, littest pros to gain access to the electronic collection of decklists before each Grand Prix. He then combs through it tirelessly in the five minutes before the submission deadline, figures out what the metagame will be like, and then steals the best decklist from the tournament to play himself. While he’s a great player, I just can’t excuse this kind of monstrous abuse of his elite pro-ness (which I heard from an ex-girlfriend’s hairdresser he also uses to get free sandwiches at Subway).

Chris Pikula aka Meddling Mage: I love what Pikula did for the game with regards to cheating. But what if I told you that Pikula was no better than those he put away? What if I told you that Pikula played the long con, waiting years before his plans would come to fruition? Pikula is responsible for the design of Meddling Mage, which is today a lynchpin of the mightiest, most feared deck in Modern: Humans. Chris Pikula foresaw the power of Modern Humans (along with the creation of the Modern format), and designed Meddling Mage so that he could abuse it down the road. And abuse it he has! Pikula made it to the Top 4 of GP Orlando thanks to his KLD-AER Sealed pool which, according to several bystanders, was filled to the brim with Meddling Mages. Then, at Pro Tour 25^th Anniversary, his team crushed it (8-6) thanks to his Meddling Mage-filled Affinity deck in Legacy. Some might call it long-term strategic planning, but I’m not afraid to call a spade a shovel; Pikula is a cheater.

Local Preteen Jimmy Henderson: Jimmy Henderson is generally acknowledged as a master of the game, but there’s just one problem: I’ve lost to Jimmy a few more times than I’d like. Over the years, Jimmy has beaten me in win-and-ins, in Finals, and at Super Smash Bros. He even beat me in the final round (Round 1) of the National Brawl Championships, pushing me to last (2^nd) place with his victory. I’ve been stewing for years that Jimmy has been getting more fame and attention and love and Brawl trophies than me. And now that I’m finally in a position to stick it to him, I’m going to publicly humiliate him, exposing him for the monstrous Magic-player-who-is-better-than-me that he is! I know the Hall of Fame is supposed to be for the best of the best, but let’s be real: it’s for the best of the best who I’m friends with.

Literally Everybody Else: I’ve played against everyone else being discussed at least once, and let me tell you: they play so slowly. Some of them pause before their draw step and survey the board. Some of them stall the game to ask me how many cards are in my hand. Some of them even stop the game to call over a judge! I once had a ten-minute judge call and, even though we got that time back, I could tell that my opponent was trying to stall me. From drawing cards with a slow, deliberate flourish to flicking cards nonstop; from thinking about difficult decisions to reading cards they’re unfamiliar with; from trying to hold a conversation with me to being rushed to the hospital after collapsing due to a heart condition, everyone is playing slowly and trying to stall out everyone else.

As such, it is with a heavy heart that I regret to inform you that I cannot in good conscious vote anyone into the Hall of Fame this year. Even if every Magic pro weren’t a dirty cheater by hearsay and convicted by the court of Twitter opinion, most Halls of Fame induct former greats. Very few are inducted while they’re playing the game by those who compete against them. Magic’s Hall of Fame is super weird in a lot of ways, and I wouldn’t wish the publicly humiliating initiation process upon anyone.

So no names on my ballot this year, but maybe next year! After all, I heard Reid Duke is up for nomination next year (though I also heard that he uses his luscious locks to conceal extra copies of his best cards).

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic. Make fun of him online through Twitter (@RyanNormandin) and Twitch (norm_the_ryno).