Wizards of the Coast recently announced that they’d be collaborating with Netflix, the directors of Avengers: Endgame, and Tony Stark to produce an animated Magic: the Gathering television series. This has led to many questions: who are the main characters? What’s the plot? Just how angsty will Jace be? (spoilers: very) Well today, I’m pleased to share that, in traditional WotC fashion, the plot points of the series have already leaked! I discovered them via a complex set of codes in the Avengers series, and even though I’ve seen, like, three of the Avengers movies ever, I have nonetheless interpreted and posted the spoilers of the first few episodes here.
Episode One: Sculptor of Minds, Hearts, and Abs
This episode begins with a close-up on glistening abs. We zoom out and a blue cloak is donned by this man, covering his abs. The voiceover begins:
VO: You’re probably wondering… how did I get so sexy?
He pulls up his hood, draping his face in shadow.
VO: And so angsty?
This character turns to face the camera and smiles. Upbeat infomercial music begins.
“Hi,” he says. “My name is Jace Beleren, and for some reason, I’m Magic’s most popular character. If you’d like to know my backstory, check out magic.wizards.com/story. You can also pick up War of the Spark on Amazon.com, where it has 2.5 stars. If you’d like to see me depicted in some card art, swing by your local game store, where you can purchase packs of War of the Spark, Core Set 2020, and the new fall set, “Kaldheim: Why Won’t People Leave Angrath Alone?”
No wonder he is so mad!
The infomercial music stops and Jace turns his attention to a stack of mail on his desk. He flips through it, and we see letters that say things like:
“Worst Guildpact EVER!”
“Millions are dead because you don’t like paperwork.”
“Planeswalk into the Sun Loser!”
“Lots of fan mail today!” exclaims Jace. Finally, he reaches a mysterious letter in a strange language.
“What is this?” Jace mutters, turning the letter sideways as though it will make the alien characters suddenly legible. “I thought everyone in the Multiverse spoke American English…”
Jace examines the letter more closely. He gasps.
“Impossible,” he mutters. “The Phyrexians have mastered the ability to send interplanar snail mail.”
Jace jumps to his feet. “I must reassemble the Gatewatch!”
Episode 2: It’s Not Easy Being Green
The camera sits on the floor of a forest. We hear running behind us, the crunching of leaves growing louder as it the person approaches us. Above us, we see a green elf wearing green clothes with green hair run past.
We switch to overhead and see this woman continue to run before she slows and collapses in a clearing. We zoom in and hear her sobbing.
“Ashaya… Ashaya, where are you?”
A fun little infographic appears overhead. It reads:
Nissa Revane
- Elvish Supremacist, but not anymore and everyone pretends it never happened
- Hippie, Vegan, Anti-Vaxxer
- Superpower is Deus Ex Machina, though in Magic it’s called “Leylines”
- "Good Vibes Only" tattoo she never tells anyone about
A mystical green wind blows past Nissa. A voice rumbles through it.
“Nissa… it is me… Ashaya…”
Nissa gasps. She slowly stands.
“Of course,” she says. “Ashaya was within me all along.”
She straightens up and smiles cheerfully.
She pulls out her iPhone and pulls up her calendar. We see:
2pm (Weekly Reminder): Have Ashaya remind you that they were within you all along.
Nissa checks this off. Next on her calendar is “Do drugs, they’re natural, so it’s fine.”
Nissa crushes up some pinecones and prepares to indulge.
A twig snaps behind her.
She spins around, “I swear, Officer, the drugs aren’t mine! I just found them in these jeans! And these jeans also aren’t mine! I just found them in my car! Which is also isn’t mine! I LOVE TREES!”
Jace stands shirtless in the forest behind Nissa, his abs gleaming. He shakes his head.
“I lose my cloak every time I planeswalk. So annoying.” He throws the camera a playful smile and a wink before conjuring a cloak around him.
“Nissa,” Jace says, “the Avengers need you.”
Episode 3: Fire Puns
A woman with flaming hair stands on-stage with a microphone at a seedy stand-up club.
“And he’s like, ouch, you’re literally burning me,” the woman says, laughing. “And I’m like, ‘What I’m hearing is you think I’m really hot!’”
The crowd explodes with laughter. Fun infographic above Chandra.
Chandra Nalaar
- Co-Founder of ChannelFireball, multiplanar conglomerate that was responsible for murdering two Eldrazi titans
- Has red hair because she’s a temperamental, angry fire mage. Get it?!
- Could replace her on the team with a blowtorch to similar results
“Anyways, I’m over there beating up on these zombie dudes and another gal shouts out, ‘Chandra! You’re on fire!’ And I’m like, ‘I know, thanks, I AM on a roll killing these zombies!’ And they’re like, ‘No, you’re hair! It’s ON FIRE!’”
The crowd laughs uproariously again.
“Thanks folks, you’ve been a great audience, a great audience! Have a good night!” Chandra puts the mic back into the stand, waves, and walks off-stage to a standing ovation.
a.k.a her stand up set
The owner of the club runs over to her. “Well-done, Chandra! You killed it tonight!”
“Yeah, I really… burned down the house.”
The club owner cracks up. He collapses onto the floor with laughter, and then dies.
Off-screen, a voice says, “Wow, Chandra, you’re really crushing it with the comedy these days.”
Chandra turns to face Jace and Nissa.
“No,” she says, pointing to the corpse on the floor, “I’m killing it.”
Jace and Nissa chuckle.
“I suppose you both need me for something?” Chandra asks.
“I need you,” says Nissa immediately.
“I need you,” replies Chandra.
Nissa and Chandra touch leylines.
And there you have it! While not what I initially expected, these spoilers are really getting me excited to see the full series! I’ll be sure to post more spoilers as soon as I decode the hidden message in Groot’s dialogue.
Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.
