Beyond the Norm: Diary of a Muggle Roommate

Day 0

After spending the summer looking for a roommate to split the rent with, I was excited to finally meet someone who was interested in my place. Dennis stopped by today and toured the apartment, which he seemed to like. Understandably, he checked the internet connection speed, which was to his satisfaction. A little more unusually, he spent a lot of time with a tape measure at the dining room table.

            “It’s perfect,” he muttered to himself. “They’ll fit perfectly.”

            “Yeah, it fits four people comfortably,” I said.

            “No, it fits four playmats perfectly,” he corrected.

            “Placemats?” I asked. “I don’t really use any, but you’re welcome to bring your own.”

He nodded briskly.

            “Perfect for Commander.”

I pretended to understand what he said and just nodded and smiled. He seemed friendly enough, and called that afternoon to confirm. Dennis moves in next week!

Day 1

I helped Dennis move in today. We unloaded his trunk and brought his stuff upstairs. It started off pretty typical: mattress, bedding, personal effects.

But then, the boxes started.

White box after white box after white box. Each one was far heavier than it looked. Some were long and rectangular, others were large and square. Some had strange symbols drawn onto the top.

Finally, panting, I asked him what in the world was in these boxes.

            “Oh, just some cards,” he replied, handing me another large box. This one was plastic, and inside were tens of what looked like giant, rolled-up mousepads.

            “Why do you have so many of these?” I asked.

            “Eh, I get them everywhere I go. People are always giving them out or selling them.” He frowned. “It’s actually kind of annoying.”

I’m starting to think Dennis is a little stranger than he lets on. I’ve never seen anyone giving out or selling giant mousepads. Not really sure what’s going on.

Day 3

I had a strange conversation with Dennis today. Unsure of dinner plans, I asked Dennis if was interested in getting food.

“I was thinking of getting Chinese food tonight. Interested in joining?”

“Hmm…” Dennis paused thoughtfully. “Isn’t the Mexican place closer?”

“Yeah, you want that instead? I’m good with anything”

“I actually had Mexican yesterday, so that might be loose. Yet it’s both closer and cheaper so probably higher EV. Honestly, I’m not sure that one is strictly better.”

“Um… it’s just dinner, man. No matter what we get, it’ll be good.”

He shook his head in frustration. “That’s just results-oriented thinking. Just because something works out doesn’t mean that it was the correct line. And when it comes to dinner, there are no mulligans.”

I shrugged. “Look, I just saw that they had a buy one get one free and—”

Dennis immediately perked up.

“A two-for-one?!” he exclaimed.

“Uh… yeah. And just for walking in the door you get one of those cool hats they give out,” I added.

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “Guaranteed value upon entering the restaurant? On top of a two-for-one?! I’m locking in that Chinese place. Let’s go!”

Day 6

Dennis continues to confuse me with his speech. While our restaurant conversation was weird, I overheard a conversation he had on the phone with a friend today that made no sense whatsoever. It’s so hard to describe; the words he was using were English, but he put them together in ways such that… they just didn’t mean anything. Like, he would pause as though he were ending a sentence, but it was on an adjective or an adverb, not a noun. Total nonsense. I wrote down some snippets as I was listening.

“So I went to snap back the cryptic, but of course he had the surgical. I know, it’s wrong to bring it in, but he said he had too many dead cards in the matchup. Same reason he brought in rest in peace.”

“He was salty after he lost to a guy looping Nexus. Tuh fairy is such a broken walker. Wizards is trash at making their own game.”

“But when BBD played LSV, he did what PVDDR was saying. Speaking of which, does CVM still play? He and yellow hat were always my favorite.”

“Why would you pack two pick one that? Seems loose if you’re already solidly into dim ear.”

“Yeah, they don’t make cardboard like they used to.”

Day 9

My roommate got sick today. Dennis came out, all sniffly and in his PJ’s, to get some tea.

“You don’t look so hot, man. You alright?” I asked.

“I’m sick. Stay back, I don’t want to infect you,” he sniffed.

“Huh? Why do you say ‘infect’ like that?” I asked, puzzled.

“Like what?” he asked, sneezing into our refrigerator.

“You say ‘IN-fect,’ but it’s pronounced ‘in-FECT.’ You put the emPHAsis on the wrong syllAHble.” I chuckled to myself. Such a classic.

Dennis frowned. “No,” he said. “It’s definitely IN-fect.” And with that, he returned to his abode.

Day 11

As expected, I got “IN-fected” with whatever Dennis had, so I stayed home from work and basically just slept all day. I had a super weird dream though, one of those delirious, sick-person dreams. I dreamed that I woke up to some loud noises and wandered into the dining room, where Dennis was sitting with three friends. Small plastic wrappers were scattered all over the table. As Dennis and his friends ripped open more plastic, they sniffed intensely from the plastic.

“What… what’s going on?” I mumbled.

“Whoa!” Dennis cried out, alarmed. “You should get back to bed!”

“But… what…?”

“It’s just some good ol’ cardboard crack, don’t worry,” Dennis assured me.

I think I just started laughing hysterically here, and Dennis brought me back to bed.

Super weird dream.

Day 15

I’ve started to notice a weird pattern. Dennis isn’t the most social person, though apparently he has friends over when I’m out. But every Friday night, he’s gone. I decided to ask him about it.

“Dennis, where do you go on Friday nights?” I asked, just as he was lifting his eternally packed and heavy backpack onto his back.

“Magic,” he replied. “I’m on my way there now. Friday night magic is modern tonight. Can’t miss it! Gotta summon some spirits and rattle some chains! You know how it is. Anything to crush those pesky humans.” And with that, he was gone.

What the hell?! Dennis thought that he was some kind of sorcerer or something? This was too good.

I decided to follow him.

I followed him down the street to our small downtown area and watched as he entered… a comic book store?

When Dennis got home, I asked for some clarification. At this point, I was just hopelessly confused. Dennis explained that he played a card game called Magic: the Gathering, which I’m pretty sure I’ve actually heard of before. I think I had some friends who played in middle school. I had no idea it was still around! Dennis offered to teach me. I think I’m gonna take him up on his offer.

Day 47

It’s been a little over a month since I’ve written an entry. I’ve just been so busy. Magic is the greatest game ever, and I can’t stop playing. The term “disposable income” has ceased to have a meaning; there’s money for rent, money for food, and money for Magic. There is no “disposable income.” That would imply that Magic isn’t a necessity, which is just ridiculous.

Our apartment increasingly resembles something out of a show about hoarders. There are stacks of cards, deckboxes, and playmats everywhere. I’ve stopped eating dinner at the table because that’s filled with deckboxes too. I mostly subsist on Soylent these days; way faster than cooking, which is time that could be spent brewing. Gotta run to a PPTQ!

Day 136

I’m done with Magic. The Standard format is stale, Modern is degenerate, and Legacy is too expensive. I’m selling all my cards except for a couple Commander decks and my fetches/shocks. Commander for sentimental reasons, lands I expect to offload in a couple years after they go up.

Day 225

I was on a date tonight, Friday night, when we walked past a card store. I glanced in and saw rows and rows of players of all ages playing Friday Night Magic. My heart began to beat more quickly. My palms grew sweaty.

“Hey, are you okay?” my date asked. “You don’t have to be nervous, I’m having a great time!”

I pulled my hand away and walked into the card shop. I approached the judge.

“What… what is the format tonight?” I asked.

“Standard,” the judge replied.

“What plane are we on?” I asked, beginning to feel dizzy.

“Oh, this is Ravnica 9: Fblthp’s Last Stand. It’s all about how Jace and Vraska’s grandchildren face off against Fblthp, the secret sixteenth Eldrazi Titan.”

The room was spinning. I swore I would never come back to this. But… but… it was all so familiar. So wonderful. I felt that old need again. That old urge.

I ran to the counter.

“Quick!” I cried. “I need a booster pack!”

The clerk complied, handing me a pack of Ravnica 9 in exchange for a couple bucks. I tore open the pack and breathed in deeply. Heaven flowed from my nose into my veins. I was alive again. I opened my eyes and pulled the cards out of the packaging.

Immediately, they curled into cylinders. I smiled. Just as I remembered. I was finally home.

(cut to Wizards headquarters)

Timmy tossed the printouts onto the table in front of Rosewater.

“It looks like our roommate program has continued to yield dividends,” Timmy observed.

“Yes,” said the 102-year-old Rosewater, more Magic card than human. “This is some good evidence. We can use this to support the ‘I knew someone from middle school who played’ and ‘I had a roommate who introduced me’ programs. Strategically planting our people as roommates and middle schoolers around the country has always reaped enormous benefits.”

“Also, using Ravnica to pull back in lapsed players appears to have worked in the case of this individual,” Timmy noted.

“Exactly,” Rosewater said. “It’s results like these that ensure that Magic still has a long life ahead of itself.”

An alarm beeped.

“Sir!” exclaimed Timmy. “It’s time for your cardboard crack injection!”

“Ah, yes,” Rosewater said. “Straight into the heart, go ahead. Then, it’s straight back to work on the new set of mechanics. I’m betting that Megaconvoke, Megacycle, and Megamegamorph will be huge hits…”